A bumblebee's wings should not be able to support it's weight in flight...but nobody told that to the bumblebee.

Lately God has been reminding me that I can do and be whatever I want. College students live in this world of declaring one major and one path and that's a mindset that I'm tired of. With my anxiety disorder, I also live in a world of knowing (or assuming) that there are things I can handle and things I just can't. I let the enemy convince me that I don't have the talent, the guts, or even the time to do something creative. I hold out on self-care until it's too late and that simple walk I should've taken to clear my head has now become doctors appointments, medication, stiff muscles and panic attacks. I won't touch my art supplies because I'm scared of "wasting" them or wasting my own time. When the creativity bug does strike, I spend time finding the supplies I need, searching Pinterest for ideas, but then standing frozen in front of a blank canvas. Sometimes I do allow the beautiful colors that God creates to flow from my hands, but I am usually interrupted mid project by a crippling feeling of failure. "This is child's play, Heather. Nobody actually likes this. They're just smiling and nodding so as not to hurt you. You don't even have any talent."  These are words from the enemy. Words meant to turn my heart away from God. When I paint or create, I find myself talking openly with God as if we were sipping coffee together. We discuss the colors, the purpose, and technique of the particular project and we laugh at the mess I've made on myself and my surroundings. We talk about how fun this is and He asks me notice the feeling of calmness and productivity that I feel....But then I allow the enemy to creep back in. Because for me, there's always possibilities of something going wrong or the anxiety of judgement.  It's actually a raging battle of conflicting thoughts that may or may not result in some form of art that I may or may not despise or stare at in awe for a few hours. Babbling?? Who me?? Ok well maybe. But the point is, that I took this semester as a time for me to take care of my health and truly listen to God. I will create when I feel like creating, I will do all things in an attempt to honor God and I will be the person that God needs me to be on this earth. Oh one more thought....my writing style is much like my approach to a piece of art. I start out with some outline and some basics, I then really let it flow, and then I panic and just finish it up so I can have a feeling of completion. The end.

Not an easy task....raising you kids...

In the past few days, there have been so many things that have made me scared....and thankful as a mother. I want to jump on a soap box and yell. But instead I shall blog. You may be the only one that reads this, but that is ok. 

The Stanford Rape case. There is SO MUCH wrong with this scenario. I find it disgusting. The victim is being made to look guilty, the criminal is being coddled. It is NOT just a drinking culture, a party culture, or....in my opinion....even a sex culture. It is a mess so chaotic that I can't begin to speak to all that angers me. BUT, the father indicating that his son is being punished for 20 minutes of action....? Seriously? In 20 minutes, his son started drinking (WHILE UNDERAGE), behaving inappropriately, and then decided to rape an unconscious woman? Why did this kid think it was ok to drink? Why did he think it was ok to behave the way he did, even if he DID have consent? I'll bet that his dad was well aware of his drinking and most likely made inappropriate jokes in front of him about partying with women. I don't say this because I believe all dads do this. I say this because the man who wrote the letter in defense of his son.....is missing something in his own character to even consider saying the things he said.

Something very few people will tell you...try as we may as parents, we CANNOT control you kids. This was proven with the often repeated story of me calling Ma for guidance when you were a three-year-old:

Me:  Mom! What do I do? She won't behave. She is screaming for no reason, throwing her toys, back talking.....

Ma:  Honey! Put that child in her room! And make her stay there!

Me:  Ok, mom.  Let me do that. 

{I lay the phone down so Ma can hear the interaction}

{I swat your rear-end and put you in your room, and CLOSE THE DOOR}

{I pick up phone}

Ma:  See? That worked, didn't it?

Me:  MOM? SHE IS STANDING RIGHT HERE HITTING MY LEG AND MAKING FACES AT ME!

See, child? We cannot control you. We cannot control your brother. We can only try to impart our wisdom and pray you will be good people. And I will support you emotionally for the rest of our lives. BUT...you are responsible for your decisions. You are responsible for your behavior. I swear to you I will not make excuses for you. I will not make excuses because doing so will only harm you further. I hope I have raised you (and will continue to raise you) to take responsibility. And yes, I will continue to raise you until death do us part. 

Ok. The other thing is the warning I sent you about some company that allegedly tries to lure young adults with promise of a job and then gives them knock out drops in their water. This brings to mind the entire kidnapping lecture. What can I say?  Trust your gut, child. You are like me in the sense that we do not like to hurt feelings. We are relatively kind people. But if you feel you are being compromised, or you just sense something is wrong....leave. If you are completely wrong and someday the person you were rude to ends up to be a friend....laugh about the situation. And don't drink things people you don't know give to you. Ever. And that leads me to....always keep some cash with you. Something you can buy a water bottle with. 

I could go on and on about demanding respect in relationships.  However, I have full trust that Buford treats you right. He'd better! I know where he lives. You will, however, run into people who will not respect you as a female. Co-workers, bosses, strangers on the street. You have the right to stand up for yourself...and not take any crap off of anybody just because you are a female. In all honesty, you will have to work with jerks...even have jerks as bosses....and sometimes you will have to tolerate it. But you should never have to be in a compromising situation for the sole reason that you are a woman. No job is worth that. 

I'm babbling now. I will close this with a giraffe. To make you smile! I love you, droplet! 

Antsy...

Hi droplet....how are you? I miss you. You are the one who told me to blog....

I'm antsy. Feeling creative. Need an outlet for it. That's why I wanted you to come home this weekend. I thought we'd go road tripping. But oh well. Work has been so busy I may not have time for driving!

Here's one of the photos I posted this week. Kinda into the sunsets. I always like winter sunsets....maybe because the days are blah-er so the sky lighting up is such a highlight. 

Life lessons.....life lessons.....seems like I've had some for you....let me think...

Be nice. That's simple. Just be nice to people. We all get aggravated with others that we encounter, but sometimes you might be the only nice person they see all week.  

Be yourself....unless you are a mean person (which you are not)...because if you ARE....you'd be ignoring my advice in the last paragraph.  

Babble from time to time.  And find someone who is ok if you babble. It gets a lot of stuff out in the open when you babble. Kinda like I used to tell you about how my roommate Cheri and I used to fight. We'd do real exaggerated silly fights but in the process we'd get real issues out in the open. (She didn't like my obnoxious alarm.....her sinuses bugged me....but we loved each other...and still do.)

Create something. I watched Rae's trailer a bit ago....I love the spirit she has...Love the way she makes hardship into beauty... So find what you want to create...and create it. If it's knowledge in kids, then yay!

Your brother has been showing his creativity lately with his welding. Need to find an outlet to sell his work. We've always known he had an artistic streak!

(I'm babbling....tired of it yet?)

Want a funny? Dad, Garrett and I went to check on Rehab last night....the new horse. Drove past the water and Steve was sitting out there, so we stopped. Just chatted with him. He was sitting on an upside-down water tub. I sat down on the opposite end. We were still all chatting when he pushes me off and yells at me to get up! I was not happy with his rudeness.  But seems he had just repaired the hole in the tub with silicone glue junk....and I had been sitting in it. He was a bit slow in his reaction time....but oh well. Guess who gets to buy new jeans this weekend....ME!

Tomorrow is Friday. Isn't it? Yeah....it is. Yay! Only have about 10 interviews...."only"...  Work crazy busy with just two of us...but we are surviving. 

Ok....going to quit babbling for the moment. Love you! Goodnight, droplet!

Red Dirt Road

Getting ready for class this morning, my roommates and I had my Pandora Music blasting in the living room. The song “Red Dirt Road” by Brooks and Dunn comes on and I couldn’t help but reminisce . The song describes memories linked to a red dirt road near where the narrator grew up. It describes where the narrator drank his first beer, learned about love, wrecked his first car, found Jesus, and learned that "happiness on Earth ain't just for high achievers".

For years, this song has reminded me of Hatch Road, a narrow little dirt road that connected my neighborhood to downtown Lorena, Texas. While this road was much too narrow and curvy to ever actually spend time on, I can still link it to equally important experiences that surround my own little dirt road, my little town, and a few other roads for that matter.

Hatch Road is the route that my mom and I would take on the way to 6:30am theatre rehearsals where I spent time with an amazing and diverse group of people that would shape the woman that I have become and brought so many blessing to my life. If you had been a fly on the inside of that car at 6:30 in the morning, you would have heard an interesting mix of Adele, Taylor Swift, KC and Sunshine band and whole interesting group of performers. You would have heard life lessons being taught, high school angst, gushing over the latest crush, and occasional cranky-ness of two sleep-deprived, yet highly caffeinated girls.

This road brought many encounters with snakes, other wildlife, and the occasional alien (yes, you read that correctly).

Hatch road is where I let a stupid boy take me around a few corners too quickly, it was home to some supposed ghost encounters, and it will always be a part of me.

I lived right at the end of Hatch Road, on Old Bethany Rd. This is where my family met some of the best friends that we have ever known. The Jackson family is truly the epitome of what it means to be a light of Christ. Jeff, Jennifer and Selby have the most welcoming and warm hearts and they cared for us like family. One of my first memories of them was standing out in the front yard talking with Jeff and my dad and this adorable 3-year old, red haired, Opie-Taylor-look-alike running out too see us, wearing nothing but his brand new “big boy underwear”

.Over the years, they watched my brother and I grow up and we watched Selby grow up. We spent evenings at the ball fields together, many summer nights out on our porches and I looked forward to greeting Jennifer and Selby every morning waiting for the school bus.

Most girls can expect their boyfriends to have to pass approval/interrogation from their fathers, but I was lucky enough to also have Jeff and Selby on that board of review. There were many dates and front-yard talks with boys that were interrupted by Selby sprinting over “just to say hey”. I probably rolled my eyes at these wacky boys, but I always knew that they were looking out for me and I loved them dearly for it.

Old Bethany road is where I raised my puppy-dogs, said goodbye to one puppy, thought I fell in love, got my heart broken, went on a few dates and eventually found a love that is still strong and beautiful today.

On the other end of Hatch Road were the downtown McBrayer park and the high school. McBrayer park saw many photo shoots, 1 lost earring, a 15th birthday party icing-fight and even Junior Prom pictures. At the high school, the performing arts center is where so many wonderful things happened. I built amazing friendships and learned so much about life, having fun, and the importance of working hard. A lot of goofiness happened here so early in the mornings. The feigned headset flirtationships between the stage manager and the booth manager, the occasional stolen kiss behind the curtains, autographing our UIL bus and countless inside jokes.

As I get older, I think more and more about the significance and emotions associated with different roads and towns.

Lura Lane in Jonestown,(for those who understand this chapter) almost immediately hits me with an incredible tidal wave of emotions. I flashback to extremely pleasant memories of pulling up to that house.I love remembering how Mom and Dad would wake us up as we pulled in and then help us to not roll down the steep driveway as we sleepily stumbled up to Grandma and Granddad's house. This road now also can slap an instant anxiety attack, mixed with bitter-sweetness and a bout of PTSD.

There are streets in Abilene that will always be “Ma and Pa” roads filled with memories of picking up pecans, tennis matches and walking to the park with all of the cousins.

Maybe I’ve gone off on ridiculous tangents, or maybe I’ve just run crazy with an inspiration from Brooks and Dunn, Anyhow, I felt like writing today and I hope it turned out alright. If anything, maybe I’ve left my readers reminiscing about their own “Red Dirt Roads”. Isn’t what a good journalist is supposed to do; give their reader everything that they can, and still leave them with something to think about for the rest of the day? 

Music Video

Life out west.....

Was afraid I wouldn't have anything to write, but then Dad and Garrett just blew something up on Grandma's car....so there is some excitement. (No idea what...dad said, "it blew up all around me but didn't actually hit me..." Sure made Garrett jump and run for something out of his truck...after I observed no apparent injury, I came in.)

Splash here has the blue-blahs. Was really a rough week last week. 

First of all, I miss my droplet. I really do. I don't know what I'd do if you were here, but at least you'd be here. You could lay on the bed with me and giggle. 

Worklife is work life. I don't get off tomorrow. Not that I really care, but I always am curious why it's the only federal holiday that Texas doesn't observe. But oh well. Dad and Garrett may do something. Garrett off for sure. 

Got to see Laura this week....ate three meals with her....went to mountain top (did not jump)...saw ducks at duck pond (appears Laura is scared of ducks/geese)..also got to see Ma on Tuesday. Ma seems fine. Need to call her.  

Let's see....after a really really bad Friday, we drove to Ballinger for the football game. Not a fun game. Got home 12:30 am. I was in bed around 12:45 am and up at 5:00am to get Garrett up and delivered to school for the band trip.  Then dad and I drove separately to the contest and I came back while boys went on to Rex and Amy's for hunting stuff. Whatever they do.

I ordered and picked up from that new express Chinese place. Can't think of name. Not Szechuan. Not wok. Hibachi...that's it. (Garrett just told me.) it was good.  McAllisters opens this week. Uh-huh!!! For real!!! 

Today I ordered pizza...girly kind. Spinach and junk the boys won't eat. 

They've only been home about 45 minutes. Enough time to blow up a car, I guess. (I just asked Garrett, "WHAT happened?" In true Garrett-fashion, he says, "with what?"  So you see how that explanation will go.)

Don't think we can make RoundUp this year. Garrett has competition in Odessa.  Too long of a trip. And we are too old. At least the game is here on Friday night. Against Stanton. You know to hug all for me. And soak in that feeling of family.  No other feeling like it, babe.  

Boys are now working on AC.  If it blows up, I'm moving in with you. No AC for a week already. 

Steve mentioned horseback riding today, but guys got home late. That would be fun. Did I tell you, though, that I re-hurt my bad leg. Yes...the go-cart accident leg from the 80's.  Was insisting on trying to open the painted-shut windows in living room. MIGHT have been standing on furniture, acting like I'm not a 45 year old woman, and MIGHT have jumped on couch cushion, bent knees, and hit that danged arm of that couch. It is an evil arm.. Remember when I threw myself on that couch once before while being dramatic and broke my tailbone? Yeah...so anyway, my leg is very swollen and bruising is finally making its way through all the swelling to the surface. So horseback riding might should wait.  

I have a present for you.  Not gonna tell you what it is. Tee hee

Better let you go.  Don't know what, if any photo relates to my boring life, but I'm about to go find a random one and put it on here so there is some color. 

Life as of lately

Gee Wiz Deena, We've neglected this blog!!!! Me thinks we shall catch the world up on all of our quirkiness and goings on!!
   Life has been fairly interesting for me lately. I'm enjoying my first apartment in Austin and my roommates are super great! Classes are going well; I'm only taking 12 hours right now so it's pretty calm. This year I have an officer position within Best Buddies ( http://www.bestbuddies.org/best-buddies ) and that's keeping me super busy, but I am having an absolute blast! My matched Buddy, Vicki is an incredible woman! Vicki has the sweetest demeanor that you will ever meet and I love every minute spent with her!
   Rory and I are doing really great and we will be celebrating 3.5 years together on October 24th! We recently started a "daily" couples devotional and it's been an exciting experience, but we're lucky if we can get in 1-2 readings a week (we really need to get better with that).
 Rory is, as usual, crazy busy as an engineer major but he's doing really well and working a few nights a week.
   I began a weight-loss journey in June and so far I've lost around 15+ lbs (muscle gains too) and it's really exciting to me to finally start seeing results. I'm learning to love myself and to not be so hard on myself. Let's just say that it's a struggle. I have ups and downs nearly daily, but I am very proud of what I've accomplished and how strong and healthy my body is.
   Ohhhh and if you haven't noticed......IT'S OCTOBER!!!! My favorite month!!! Autumn is upon us!!! Next weekend is our family reunion and 25th is my 20th birthday!!!!!
   hmmmm....I believe that is all I have to say for now...it's your turn Deena!

gym time

Best Buddies Matching party (Vegas night theme)

sometimes I try to cheer up Mommy by sending her ridiculous pictures.

"Coin"cidence? I think not!

Ok. Need to give some back story to those who don't know us well.....

Heather and I "believe in", "follow", "get comfort from".....whatever you want to call it.....Pennies From Heaven. The basic premise is that when you find a penny, it was sent from a loved one in Heaven.  We started talking about it after Granny died. I'd find a penny and would announce "Granny sent me a penny!" Heather would do the same. Then after my Aunt Barbara passed, we kind of alternated who we thought sent it. At this time, Heather, please correct me if I'm wrong, we'd find a penny about once a month.....or less. Of course, in financially hard times, I swear they would send quarters and even a dollar once. 

Then my daddy.....Heather's "Pa" died. I remember having a conversation once....how will we know if the penny is from Pa, Granny, or Barbara.  In my recollection, it was within an hour that I found a penny....and it was rough around the edges. Well, as we all know, boys are less polished than girls. So, that was my answer....Pa's pennies would be, in some way, "rough around the edges".

That's the background story. I think I can speak for Heather when I say the number of pennies we find nowadays is amazing. I average one a day.  Now I am aware there are some skeptics that might reason that pennies have very little value these days, so people dispose of them, and I find them. But I know better. My reasoning.....yes, there is no surprise that there is a penny on the floor at check-out lines at Walmart. But...why did I just HAPPEN to wind up at that particular line....when I was having a stressful day....and needed a reminder that life is good? More amazingly, why did we once all pile into an SUV with friends at Philmont Scout Ranch....drive deep into the camp....pull over to see the lake....and there on the ground is a penny.....rough around the edges. Why did we stop right there? 

So, Heather, my droplet....here is today's story. I am in Abilene for training. Decided to drive a different route to the hotel. I find myself driving up Sayles and of course I love the beauty of the greenery and the old houses. My mind wanders. Oh, how I would love to drive to Ma and Pa's house and knock on the door to surprise them. I could imagine Pa's smile. His booming voice.  The hugs. A time in the past when he was still on earth. The tears flowed.  I let myself CRY for a split second. Composed myself. Drove past the house, vacant, and headed on to the hotel. 

I knew I needed to get gas.  So I'm driving towards the general mall area, trying to figure out if I wanted to get the gas now or when I go to grab dinner..... Where should I stop, I should pay attention to price, make it easy......these were thoughts in my head. Then I suddenly changed lanes and turned into a gas station on the LEFT side of the road.  You know how I like to get in the lane I'll be turning out of and not change lanes? Well, this was not the lane I was going to be turning out of. So I chastise myself for turning, knowing I'll have to pull out in traffic from both directions afterward. I put the car in park. I get out. Wipe the drying tears off my cheek from earlier.....and there is a penny on the ground. A rough-around-the-edges penny from Pa telling me all is fine and he loves me.  

Then, of course, I see your post. And the tears came. Again.

Love you, droplet!

Oh...and once I was walking somewhere with Steve Gray and Garrett and saw a penny in the middle of a crowded parking lot with cars driving by. I told Steve in my bossy way to grab it for me. He did. Later, days later maybe, he asked if it was shiny, how did I know if it was from Granny or Barbara.  I thought for a minute and said since he didn't get kicked mysteriously in the pants as he picked it up, that Granny must have sent it.  He looked at me oddly and asked, "would your Aunt Barbara have kicked me in the pants?" Yep....and she would have laughed about it hysterically! Ya just had to know her!